You just feel it in your soul. The ‘signs’ are there. Every fibre of your being is telling you that your husband is cheating on you. But is he?
Have a read of this article, and see how many of the signs are applicable to you.
1. He is less attentive in the bedroom:
Now this one may be difficult to measure, because it depends how active your sex life is on the whole. It is a very personal area, and a lot of couples who, for example, have been married for a long time, or are particularly stressed, may find that that initial spark dampens in the bedroom.
This is perfectly normal. My advice here is to listen to yourself. Only YOU can know whether or not the way that your husband behaves in the bedroom is ‘different’ to his usual behaviour, but it is common practice if he is ‘getting it’ elsewhere then his sex drive when he comes home may be significantly reduced.
2. He seems to be working out more or maybe for the first time ever!:
If your man suddenly develops an interest in ‘working out’, it could just be that he has decided he needs to lose a few pounds. Of course, it could also mean that he is trying to get (and keep) the interest of a younger, fitter play thing.
Men of a certain age in particular, are prone to suddenly deciding that they need to appear younger, and this can be triggered by the interest of another woman.
Men like to pump iron or go for a run, in order to feel energised, and this of course not only works on their physical appearance, it also boosts their stamina. If your husband has always been one for working out then trips to the gym may become more ‘frequent’ as they can be used as a smokescreen to cover dates with his Mistress.
3. He is constantly working late:
Similar to the gym, if he suddenly begins calling to tell you that he’ll be ‘working late’, be aware that this could be just another cover up for a night out with his Mistress. But before you jump in at the deep end, try and work out what is going on at work.
If for example, a big event is due, then this could explain the increase in hours. If nothing seems out of the ordinary, and the extra hours become rather frequent, have a think about dropping by his place of work!
4. He develops a new sense of style:
Perhaps he was once a stylish individual, with the latest secret weapons. But as the years went on, he became more of a ‘casual jogging bottom’ kind of guy.
This suited you just fine, as it showed that he was comfortable to be himself around you. But if your man suddenly begins to turn up with new shirts, shoes, aftershave, but never seems to do it for you, then you have to wonder who is benefiting from it all.
5. He becomes the boy who loves his toys:
There is the old saying ‘boys and their toys’. Perhaps your husband has always had his eye on flashy new things. Perhaps from time to time he would buy them, or maybe you could never afford them. Has he suddenly decided to buy that flashy sports car? Has he splashed out on the latest phone?
If you notice a change in your guy’s spending habits, or a general loosening of the wallet strings where perhaps he used to be controlling, then again, he could well be out to impress someone. He could even be leading a double life, and a new car for example, helps him express his ‘other identity’.
6. He decides that he wants more time with ‘the lads’:
Has he suddenly decided that he wants to spend more time out with the guys? Maybe he did this when you were dating but since being married, weekends are spent at home with take-out, or hanging out with married friends.
Has he suddenly developed an interest in going it solo with his friends? It could well be that he needs time to air a problem with a guy friend, as they do this, just as we do! But if it becomes something regular, it could be possible that he is really out with another, or he is out ‘on the hunt’.
7. His friends act differently towards you:
Linked to the above, if he is out with friends, then may suddenly act a little different towards you, because they are feeling guilty of knowing that your husband was kissing another woman in the club last Saturday.
On the other hand, if he was not with his friends but was out with his Mistress, and asked them to cover, things may go one of two ways. Either they will avoid you as they do not want to have to be asked any questions, therefore requiring them to lie. OR, they will over compensate, by going into every single detail of their clearly thought out story.
8. He suddenly has to take a lot of calls from his ‘friend’:
It could simply be that Bob has split with his girlfriend and needs some advice, but if your husband is spending a lot of time on the phone then you do have to wonder who to.
9. He gets a lot more calls about ‘business’:
Similar to the above. It could be that there is a problem that he has to deal with at work. But if that is the case, then he will not mind you hearing in on the action. If every time your husband gets a call on his cell phone, he takes it to the other room, or even worse, goes out, you can begin to wonder exactly who it is that he is talking to.
10. He does not want these extra calls from his friend or work and so keeps his phone turned off:
If he has suddenly decided that he prefers to keep his phone turned off at home, it could mean that his Mistress is threatening to call him, wanting to let the cat out of the bag. If he fears getting a lot of calls or text messages, perhaps because they have had an argument, he will turn the phone and leave it like that.
11. He is spending more and more time on the internet:
It could just be that he is using it for his business. Again, this all depends on the general circumstances in his life. But if for example, he was not usually one for surfing the internet but is suddenly showing an interest in how it all works, particularly things like social networking and messenger, then it could well be that he is trying to find every avenue through which he can chat to his girlfriend.
12. He has secret email accounts:
Have you noticed when you go to log into your mail provider, that it shows the last address to log in and it is not one that you recognise? Or perhaps the same happens on messenger, or Facebook. Perhaps he has a secret account that he uses for him and her.
13. He is spending more time online when you have gone to bed:
Perhaps he says he is going to stay up and watch the game, but when he thinks you are sleeping, you can hear the tapping on the keyboard. Perhaps you have gone to the kitchen to grab some water and unexpectedly caught him on webcam? Question to ask, is why he is doing this, when he has a wife in bed?
14. He is careful to clear the web history:
If you share a computer you will know whether this something that he does regularly, or not. Has he suddenly started to clear the web history? Just what is it that he is trying to remove all evidence of?
15. You find receipts for goods or hotel rooms that were not shared with you:
One of the old clichés. But if you find receipts for gifts, hotel rooms, trips, restaurant bills, that were not spent with you and are not accounted for by his work, then you are probably looking at facing facts that your husband is seeing another woman.
Before you accuse him of this however, take a photocopy of the receipt, and keep it somewhere safe. Do not take away any evidence that you find, as this will alert him onto the fact that you are onto him and he will be more cautious.
16. You find things on credit card bills that cannot be explained:
Very similar to the above, but one that you are much more likely to be able to keep track off, especially if you have joint accounts, or he leaves his post lying around from time to time. Just remember that it is illegal to open another’s private mail though!
17. You start to get nuisance, silent calls:
Has your phone been ringing at home but when YOU pick up they hang up? It could be that your husband’s other woman is getting close to telling you about their affair. Perhaps she is just intrigued about what kind of woman you are.
Maybe she has fallen in love with him and views YOU as the ‘other woman’ and becomes a little obsessed with you. There all manner of reasons behind this sort of behaviour but a good move is to get caller ID and then present the number to your husband and calmly ask him if he knows the number. Watch his expression and reaction carefully.
18. He comes home and takes a shower almost right away:
If he has spent the afternoon with his Mistress, he will want to shower as soon as he gets home. Sometimes, he will even avoid kissing you hello, insisting that he has to dash to the bathroom first. This is because he may smell of her perfume, or even worse, smell of her body scent! He will want to remove all traces of this as soon as possible. Smell is a very personal thing, and we all know what our partner smells like normally and when something is up.
19. He is creating arguments that seem to be over ‘nothing’:
This may be a sign of several things. For a start he may be feeling so guilty, that he is stressed, and when people are stressed, their tempers fray. Or, maybe he is looking for reasons to create tension, so that he can justify his actions in his mind by believing that YOU are the one at fault, or he wants an excuse to storm out of the house and go and see his Mistress.
20. He seems to be distant and cold:
This could mean that he is just having an off day. But if you used to talk and share things, and now he seems to be distant, then it could be that he is avoiding intimacy on an emotional level with you because he wants to avoid ‘feeling’ close to you as it will make him feel guilty.
21. He has unexplained marks on his body:
It sounds obvious, but sometimes, the most obvious things are that way for a reason. This is especially worrying if the two of you are no longer enjoying sexual relations. You know the sort of things to look for – nail marks, scratches, even love bites!
22. He avoids undressing in front of you:
This links to tip number 21. Perhaps he does have a mark that he is attempting to hide, so he may take a shower before bed and undress and change there. Or perhaps he wants to change with the lights off. You will know if he changes his usual routine.
23. He avoids putting his dirty laundry in the basket:
Does his dirty laundry appear to have reduced in load? It could be that he does not want you to discover stains, scents or items that you are not familiar with.
Perhaps he is taking his stuff to the laundrette during his working day. One thing is for sure, if clean clothing suddenly appears, but you have not washed it, then he is either getting it done at the laundrette or by his other woman.
24. He starts giving you Extra attention:
A lot of the information so far, has been about him seeming distant and withdrawing. But some men attempt to hide their infidelity by showing their wife a new interest and attention.
If he suddenly seems friendlier, more attentive and like he is making the effort, when he has not done so for some time, it could be that he is trying to throw you off the scent of his affair. Of course, he could be wanting to rekindle your marriage, so don’t just assume that this automatically means that he is cheating.
25. He starts buying you gifts… and more gifts:
Carrying on from tip number 24, if your husband suddenly begins to splash the cash on you, coming home with flowers, and chocolates, these could be the actions of a man who is feeling guilty and has something to hide.
26. He begins to act suspicious of YOUR actions and turns into Mr Paranoid:
They say, that those who are often most paranoid, are actually the ones with something to hide. A cheater often imagines that if they are behaving in such a way, then everyone else must be too! Has your husband suddenly started questioning you about your actions and friendships? This is a great tactic to turn the tables and focus to you, but it could also be that he is genuinely wondering if you too are capable of infidelity as the subject is playing on his mind.
27. He accuses you of an affair:
This is the next step on from tip number 26. Often his suspicions may escalate, and he will go out of his way to fully accuse you of having an affair. This is a great tactic, as it not only puts you in the frame (and not him), it gives rise to arguments, so he can spend more time out of the house, and may even be used as a catalyst for having a final excuse to leave you, if and when he decides to take this step.
28. He plants seeds of doubt in his and your friend’s minds:
If he is really clever, then he may even ask your friends, or perhaps your mutual friends, whether he thinks that you could be seeing someone else. This plants the seed in their minds, so if and when you finally ask them the same thing about HIM, they believe that you are thinking this because of your own actions. He can also use it as an excuse if he ever does decide to leave you as he can say that he had known about your affair, and had chosen to move on.
29. He begins to tell you stories about how he thinks so and so is cheating:
Does cheating seem to be your partner’s new favourite topic? It could be that he is trying to work out whether or not you suspect anything. Plus, he may want to know how you would handle things if you should ever find out that he has been cheating on you.
For example. If he asks ‘what would you do if you were Susan?’ – If you say that you would try and forgive and forget then he knows that he is onto a safer bet.
30. He decides that you should spend more time with the girls:
If he suddenly decides that you should spend more time with the girls, it could be that he is trying to free up some of his own time so that he can see his bit on the side but know exactly where you will be and when you are due to come home.
31. He suggests that you take a girly vacation!:
He may even go as far as to suggest that you take a trip away. Perhaps he even treats you to it, a spa break, a weekend away. This is basically packing your bags and sending you off so that you are as far away as possible and on a schedule that he has planned, so that he can enjoy more extra marital time, without wondering if he’ll get caught.
32. He suggests that you get a new haircut, or treats you to new clothing:
It could be that he wants to treat you so that you do not suspect he is cheating. Or it could be, that he is used to the way that his new lady looks, and is wanting to spruce you up a bit so that you too can appear just as attractive in his eyes. Maybe she has had a new haircut and it is the first thing on his mind. Is he suggesting things that would not normally have come up in conversation?
33. He takes you window shopping and asks your opinion on things:
It’s sickening but true! He may even ask your opinion on things, and make it seem like he is considering getting you a gift, but secretly he has no one else to ask advice on what to get for his Mistress’ up-coming birthday!
34. He begins to wonder what he has done with his life:
If he is frustrated, it could simply be the start of a midlife crisis. But it could be that he has found happiness elsewhere, and is questioning his whole existence. Falling for another woman may make him wonder if he married the right person in the first place, whether his children should ever have been born, and whether he is too old to make a new start.
35. He changes your usual hangouts:
Has he started taking you to a different restaurant? Maybe even a different supermarket? If his Mistress has found out where you are likely to be, he may fear that the two of you will run into each other, so may start suggesting nights out at a place in the next town. You get the idea. Of course, he may just want to shake things up a little but he could also be hiding his secret and leading a double life.
36. He stops wearing his wedding ring as often:
Has he ‘forgotten’ to put it on when he heads out the house? Maybe he even hides it and claims to have mislaid it? One thing is for sure, if he is seeing someone who does not know that he is even married, the last thing that he will be wanting to flash, is that little band of gold. He may also remove it because ‘out of sight is out of mind’ and he does not want a constant reminder of you when he is already feeling guilty when out with her.
37. Starts to kiss ‘differently’:
If the kissing and contact has not stopped, he may still want to be close to you but something just seems ‘different’. Couples develop their own unique kissing style, that has its own rhythm and pace, with its own little quirks. Has he started to kiss in a different way? Perhaps incorporating things such as lip biting when he has never done it before? It could be that he is now so used to kissing another woman that he forgets how he kisses you.
38. Sex is not the same as it once was:
If you are still sexual, and this contact has not ended, then perhaps he just seems to be acting distant in the bedroom, or is performing in ways that are unusual for him. He may suddenly start trying out new positions, and it is like he has swallowed the Kama Sutra! Like with kissing, this could be that he is developing new habits with his other lady friend, and these are sticking – even when it comes to you.
39. He suggests more outrageous sexual activities:
Outrageous for you two that is. I am not suggesting that anything beyond missionary is ‘outrageous’. But if he suddenly demands that you spice things up and try out swinging for example, it could be that he is looking to bring up the topic of being sexual with other people – and may be looking to introduce it into your marriage.
40. He begins to call you by pet names that you have never used before:
Does he call you babe? Has he never done this before? This may be common if his other woman is younger than you. Perhaps he has got used to calling her such names, in order to impress her, and accidentally slips onto the end of his sentence to you.
41. He calls you by the wrong name:
As obvious as this one sounds, yes, it really does happen! A Freudian slip of the tongue, calling you by her name, is something that is actually common. If this happens, don’t let him squirm out of it too easily. If you are unsure whether it means that he is seeing someone else, flip it over and look at it from this angle – how on earth could there be any confusion over the name of the woman he married and supposedly loves?
42. You find stray hairs on his jacket, and clothes:
There may be little signs left around that point to evidence of this other woman’s presence. The odd stray hair could just be from the woman he stood next to on the train, but if you find them regularly and they are quite obviously not from you, you may have to wonder who has been that up close and personal with him.
43. You find her possessions in odd places:
Yes it really can happen! Just like in the movies! Perhaps she even planted those panties under your car seat because she secretly wants you to find out about their affair, as she is hoping he will leave you. One thing is for sure, however they got there, if you find suspicious items in your husband’s possession, be pretty sure that he is seeing another.
44. You find lipstick on his collar:
Again, another old cliché, but if he is not careful about washing his own clothing then you may find the odd mark that leaves no doubt in your mind that he is spending time with another woman. Lipstick marks, foundation lines where she has had her head on his chest, you name it, but even the best cheater is bound to slip up from time to time.
45. You find unusual items in his car:
Not as obvious as the underwear scenario, but just empty drinks cartons on the passenger side. Or take away wrappers from places that he would not usually eat in. It could be that they were out in the car together and he forgot to clear away the evidence.
46. Your car seat keeps on moving position:
This is one that not many people would ever consider. But have you noticed that when you get into your car seat, especially if it is the passenger one, you have to keep re-adjusting the seat position?
Maybe she is a taller model, and needs that extra leg room or perhaps they stop in the countryside, and make out on the seat. If it keeps magically moving you can bet that it is being used frequently by someone else, or for something else.
47. He says that he needs space:
Space from whom, what? YOU. He may not say this. He could pin it on an unexplained depression. But if your husband announces that he wants some space, it is a good sign that he has something or someone on his mind, and needs time away to work out how he feels. This is especially even more evident, if he does not want to discuss what is bothering him and seems resistant to your advances to try and clear the air.
48. He suggests a trial separation:
The next step up from wanting space. If he decides that you should take a break but as far as you are concerned, you did not see it coming, then it could be that he has met someone else and wants to test the waters of being separated from you, before he takes that final step.
Almost like test driving a car, he can see if he misses you and still have time to come back, and he may also spend this time living with his Mistress, to see whether or not he is making the right decision.
49. He tells you ‘it’s not you, it’s me’:
If ever you hear this line you know that it actually IS you. Okay, it may not be your fault. But what he really means, is that it’s him who wants to get away and it is you who he wants to get away from, whether it is your fault or not. He is just trying to soften the blow, and not have to really explain his actions or wanting to leave.
The old ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line is a great way of avoiding any real discussion as he can act confused, depressed, and at the same time, can leave you but not leave you feeling rejected. This eases his conscience and you are less likely to want to try and sort things out there and then if you have no idea what the problem is.